Relational Mindfulness by Deborah Eden Tull

Author:Deborah Eden Tull
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Wisdom Publications

Healing the Divide through Relational Mindfulness

During a couples’ workshop on “Attention, Awareness, and Intimacy” after a day of guiding people to practice deep listening with one another, I invited people to do a simple practice. The practice was to spend ten minutes meditating and then to lie down, set the timer for ten minutes, and receive tender touch from their partner (fully clothed). The assignment was to simply pay attention more subtly to the experience of being touched and the experience of touching. Rather than inviting sexual arousal, the exercise was a sensory exploration of awareness, attention, and touch. I invited people to give touch with no agenda other than paying full attention and to receive touch in the very same way. People were asked to share with their partner afterward what they experienced on the level of body, feelings, and mind.

As we debriefed, people began to share experiences that were much more profound than they had expected. Through permission to give their full attention to touch and receiving touch,, people experienced a sense of deep peace and intimacy. People realized how often they were not fully present while exchanging touch. Many people became aware of how often they did not allow themselves to receive.

A young man in an open relationship had a revelatory experience. He admitted that sex had become a form of addiction, rather than an experience that he was actually present for. He had developed an identity as a “player” and affirmed this through sex. While it brought momentary pleasure, it never brought the tenderness, satisfaction, or experience of peace that he received in that exercise. The exercise revealed how numbed out and on autopilot he had been in regards to touch. He never brought his authentic self to sexuality and certainly never allowed himself to experience tenderness with his partners.

Another student shared that he had so much fear of intimacy that he had given up entirely on dating, and was meeting his sexual needs through online pornography. This man, while talented, successful, and good-looking, found face-to-face intimacy far too confronting. He had cut his sexuality off from the rest of his life and found a way to compartmentalize and get his needs met, but he felt extremely lonely. In the exercise he felt compassion for himself for the first time as he remembered the possibility of safe, tender, and pleasurable touch. He realized that real connection was something he yearned for, something that screen-based sex could never provide.

As more students began to chime in and express the disconnect they felt in their sex lives, it was evident that a majority of people had a more intimate relationship with the mind of separation than with their actual bodies and erotic selves. As more students began to ask for guidance on sexuality, I decided to offer workshops and retreats on the subject. A group of people would gather, typically in a yoga studio, for a day of meditation, mindful inquiry, reflection, and facilitated discussion on the topic of mindful sexuality.

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